April 21, 2009

The All Purpose O-pology


TO: White House Staff
FROM: David Axelrod
cc: POTUS, FLOTUS, TOTUS, CNN, MSNBC, JOURNOLIST

RE: Standard O-Pology Policy [For immediate release to loyalists]

The continuing strain on our beloved President Obama of His world-girdling apology tour is beginning to show on our Commander-in-Chief. In addition, even with several hundred more aides in the White House than his predecessors, the effort of crafting new craven and groveling statements is beginning to tax even those resources. In the interest of a more efficient government, our beloved President today signed off on the following document which will be used henceforth for all state occasions.


All Purpose O-pology

I, [SAY YOUR NAME AND TITLE], come to [NAME EVENT / COUNTRY / MEDIA OPPORTUNITY / CHANCE ENCOUNTER] today as the very first penitent, conscience-stricken, regretful and contrite American President. Speaking as the one and only unifying voice for My country, I beg your indulgence to say that all Americans now share the pain our very existence causes you and we deeply regret it. We repent of our lives, our freedom, and our prosperity with every shred of our American soul. Hear now our eternal confession of sin and error.

Speaking for all Americans, of the past, the present, and the future, I am ashamed to have hurt your feelings and bruised your tender national sensitivities.

As the newly minted, sharply dressed, scrubbed and shining symbol of America, I invite you all to see Me instead as a base and abject supplicant ashamed of My cheesy, contemptible, insignificant, shabby, small, and pathetic country.

With My election, all Americans confessed to the low things we have said and done. We are filled with remorse, melancholy, and self-reproach. Through Me we kneel before the other nations of the Earth aware that there is no boot among you we are worthy to lick, but I stand bowed and ready to do it anyway. For My country.

As the selected leader of all Americans I would like to undo all those things done by Americans during the previous eight years, and all those years since my birth, and before, with special attention to the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, which I had nothing to do with and will, in the future have even less to do with.

But even a man of My limitless power and self-regard cannot undo what has been done. So I must stand in front of you today and eat the bitter herbs of infinite sorrow at this unfair limit to My limitless power. If I could have Myself flogged fleshless by a flock of Carmelite nuns on methamphetamine I would so, enjoy it, and leave you a DVD of the ritual as a small gift. But I can't locate those sisters right now, so I must continue to apologize.

I therefore, in the name of the United States of America, continue to apologize.

We are so wretched to have said any bad words to you that may have been said. They may well have been true, but we forgot what I have always known; that feelings, no matter how puerile, always trump the truth in My world. So we admit that, even though they were true, our words were unworthy of us and hurtful to you.

When I think of all those bad words said to you before there was Me, I see your raw suppurating feelings oozing to the top of your mind and erupting from your mouth wrapped around your screams. I shall carry that Polaroid with me for the rest of My days right next to the 303,824,640 national organ donor cards in my wallet. Can I fill some out for you?

But I digress.

As President of the United States of America, I am compelled by My inner child to say that I bleed for you, wish only to console you, empathize with you, and open My heart in an anguished lament that words and deeds of My country, which I didn’t say or do, have raised upon your soul these un-lanced boils of your metaphysical angst. It is My hope you will allow America to sooth them in the lulling balm of My limitless sorriness.

I come before you today as the shining symbol of an abashed, chagrined, conscience stricken, guilty, shamed, demeaned, crestfallen, humiliated, penitent and mortified American nation. As “The American,” I can only seek that one thing that will make My nation whole again after ripping the flesh of your feelings so senselessly since July 4, 1776, and that is the infinite balm of your acceptance of this, our guilty apology, and your forgiveness.

None come to Americans except through Me. And so, through Me, all Americans bow to you and offer your leaders a symbolic shoeshine hoping, through your infinite mercy, to be resurrected to the glorious realm of the well-organized community of nations.

All My fellow Americans live in this hope because we have a deep and abiding faith that although we are really, really sorry, you are the only other [EVENT / COUNTRY / MEDIA OPPORTUNITY / CHANCE ENCOUNTER] in all the world who is a sorrier son-of-a-bitch than we are.

Thank you for letting Me share. And may God continue to damn the United States of America.