03/23/10

U.S. Government Suborning Perjury*

We received our census form in the mail last week. It's sitting on the coffee table while I decide how many of the questions we're going to answer. Our telephone number is unlisted. We pay extra for that privilege so that our dinner is not interrupted by assholes selling aluminum siding for our brick home. Someone in the government already knows our dates of birth, if they've forgotten, I'm not going to tell them again so they can expose them to some ID thief. Next thing you know, baraq obama would be flashing my college transcripts as his own.

The main reason the census form is still waiting on the coffee table is question number one: How many people were living at this address on April 01, 2010? Yesterday was March 22, 2010, but I got a postcard from the head of the freaking census himself, noting that my form had not been returned yet and that I'd better get on the stick or there would be severe consequences. Now, other than the fact that I've been a defiant trouble maker all my life, I'm generally well behaved and obedient. So here I sit on the horns of a dilemma: do I obey the urging of Joe Shit, or whatever his name was, (I threw away the postcard); or do I wait until April 02, 2010 to send in the census form?

It might be a felony or something to mail in the form today, attesting to who lived in the house on April 01, 2010, and then we have a big rowdy party that evening and end up with drunken Hmongs and Persians and Inuits sleeping on the livingroom floor, not to mention my Celtic-Gaelic-Anglo-American wife and Celtic-Gaelic-Anglo-American (natural born citizen) me.

*I first learned never to trust anything said by an agent of the U.S. Government when my Air Force recruiter told me in 1967 to "bring golf clubs and a tennis racket to Officer Training School because it was a very laid-back curriculum with lots of time off."