Squirrelcide

My lovely wife's many talents include a magical "green thumb" and the creative vision to have turned our standard suburban back yard into a beautifully landscaped, lush garden of vines, trees, flowers, ornamental grasses, water features and singing birds. She even received a plaque from some organization for creating such a perfect natural habitat.

The water and bird seed and edible greenery in this habitat provides a visiting place or a home for many different creatures. We have seen many generations of rabbits born and raised in our garden, nourished on some of my wife's prize plants. We have bird seed scavenging rodents scurrying through the ornamental grass clumps. We like to pretend that they are "happy little field mice, going about their cheerful little lives." Then there are the F***ing squirrels.

We don't feed our birds with Walmart bird seed. That mixture contains inferior seed types that attracts inferior types of birds that don't sing, don't look pretty and just crap all over the place. (That sounds racist or something but it's actually true.)

If you want the "desirable" birds to come around, you have to buy things like safflower seed, shelled and unshelled peanuts, and other expensive seeds sold by boutique seederies on the internet, known only to women with a green thumb and a high limit credit card. The safflower seed is delivered by UPS or FEDEX (I think) I always hear a whoomp on my front porch and when I look out there's a large battered box containing a 50 pound sack of seed. The strong young driver and his truck have immediately vanished, leaving an old disabled fart (me) to drag the seed to the garage. The peanuts come in lighter containers, but I think the price is the same.

Back to the F***ing squirrels. We refill the bird feeders every morning around 07:00. That's when the F***ing squirrels show up at the feeder tray on the patio table to chase away the song birds and gorge on the peanuts. Sometimes the F***ing squirrels will show up a few minutes early and sit on top of the fence looking in the window at the breakfast table gesturing for me to hurry up with the peanuts. (That's called chutzpah.) The F***ing squirrels weren't just stealing expensive peanuts and scaring away the song birds, they were also digging up and eating plant bulbs, gnawing into the attic, and damaging our house.

Well, my first bachelor's degree was in Philosophy, and I forget the name of the great philosopher (probably German) who said it, but "Sometimes Violence Is The Only Answer." I had an old Daisy Red Ryder BB gun. A pedestrian door from the garage opens to the patio. The sound of the gun probably startled a few squirrels, 1 out of 5 BBs may have flown straight enough to bounce off the squirrel.

When that didn't work out, I escalated to a Crosman pump-up BB gun. The 10 pumps were difficult with my bum arm, but now I had some power behind the BB. With iron sights I was hitting about 3 of 4 shots and probably leaving a welt on the squirrel because he didn't come back again that day.

Later, I put a scope on the Crosman, and zeroed it in. Now I could pick the part of the squirrel I wanted to hit. I usually aimed for his fat butt just to sting him and give him some negative reinforcement about hanging around our house. I found that if I bounced one off his head, he would fall off the table, act dazed for a few minutes and then leave. (TBI, concussion, PTSD? Been there, done that.)

The F***ing squirrels were not retaining their negative reinforcement training, so further escalation was required. My academic education was in Philosophy and in Business. I figured a philosophical seminar on "the ethics of stealing peanuts" would not be well received. I would need a lot of business lawyers to help arrange a leveraged buy-out of this tribe of squirrels. Fortunately, my education was not limited to academic subjects. As a retired Master Intelligence Officer in The U.S.Air Force, I had been intimately familiar with the JCS Joint Munitions Effectiveness Manuals. I had spent many hours with those books, helping aircrews to select the exact weapons and settings to produce the desired results on their target.

So I spent some time looking up the ballistic statistics and coefficients. My Crosman pump-up BB gun launched BBs at 750 feet per second (fps). The standard Mark1, Mod1 F***ing squirrel hide could withstand an object travelling at 900 fps. Solution: order a Crosman "break-barrel" air rifle which pumps with one stroke, fires a pellet at 1,000 fps and comes with a scope.

Disclaimer: This is beginning to sound violent and bloodthirsty. Although I enjoy precision target shooting, I have never been a hunter. Every round I have ever fired has punched a hole in paper, (except at Lai Khe in Spring of 1970, and those two dudes pissed me off by firing at me first.)

The Crosman air rifle - it arrived in due course, by FedEx I think. Adult signature required. The wise-ass young driver looked at me when I answered the door (I look a little like Gabby Hayes when I can distract my wife from making me shave every day) and asked was I over 21? "Yer durn tootin'," I replied, "Hope ta spit in ya mess kit!" He took that as affirmative, let me sign, and I had my air rifle.

I set up a target/backstop consisting of a cardboard box full of flattened cardboard and a wooden board. Figured the board would stop the pellet and all the cardboard would keep ricochets from coming back at me. Drew some small circles on the front of the target and quickly zeroed-in the scope.

Then I set the rifle aside for a couple of weeks. I still wasn't convinced that stealing peanuts and gnawing on the eaves was a capitol offense. Then I read about a couple of families who lost their homes when squirrels in the attic gnawed electric wires and started fires.

This morning - one shot, one kill. Blew him clean off the table.

Funeral will be Tuesday.

06/27/10 #2

I wasn't planning on ever following up on the Squirrelcide article. It was a little bit funny in a grim way. I have a difficult time being really amused by death, even when it involves a destructive rodent. Today's target got it solely because of his attitude. I was in the kitchen and saw him in the birdseed tray gobbling seed. I snapped the window lock off and back on, the sound usually scares squirrels away. Nope. I knocked on the window. He made a face at me and continued with his feast.

I said "okay" and went out through the garage to pick up and load the Crosman and poke it out the door. I was planning on a classic headshot with "pink mist" but he jerked and I hit him in the neck. He did a little dance and fell into the rose hedges. I went out with a bucket and scoop to clean up but couldn't find him. Well, it's going to be a hot day.

MISREP
SNIPER11 EXPENDED ORDNANCE AS FRAGGED ON 1 X SQUIRREL. HITS OBSERVED. NO SECONDARY EXPLOSIONS.
FAC UNABLE TO CONFIRM BDA DUE TO SMOKE AND FOLIAGE. 1 X SQUIRREL CORPSE LATER RECOVERED.
-BT-

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06/28/10 #3

I never would have made it as a "cold-blooded" assassin, I try to warn off my victims. Went through the lock snapping and window knocking routine again today. The little SOB looked at me like I was disturbing his meal. Fortunately, when my Scottish-Irish blood gets hot, there's no problem making the world safe for songbirds.

MISREP
SNIPER11 EXPENDED ORDNANCE AS FRAGGED ON 1 X SQUIRREL.
FAC CONFIRMS 1 X SQUIRREL KBA.
FURTHER: FAC OBSERVED NUMEROUS SQUIRRELS APPROACHING AND DEPARTING AREA TO THE NNW. RECOMMEND ARMED RECON ONLY AT THIS TIME FOR POSS SEED TRANSSHIPMENT POINT. NEG ARCLIGHT. RPT NEG ARCLIGHT. MANY FRIENDLY RABBIT VILLAGES IN AREA.
-BT-

Indigenous Friendly Noncombatants

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07/02/10 #4, #5

Two more persistent buggers in separate incidents. Apparently the word is not getting around about what happens to squirrels who don't respond to the snapping locks or knocking on windows warnings. One departed mortally wounded, which saved me the trouble of cleaning up the corpse, but made me feel bad that he might have had some pain. Hard to get a quick 2 nd shot with a pellet gun.

MISREP 01
SNIPER11 SIGHTED SEED STEALING SQUIRREL, SLEW SAME.
1 X SQUIRREL CONF KBA.
-BT-

MISREP 02
SNIPER11 SIGHTED SEED STEALING SQUIRREL, SHOT SAME. SQUIRREL DEPARTED AREA AT LOW SPEED, TRAILING SMOKE AND FLUIDS.
1 X SQUIRREL PROBABLE KBA.
-BT-

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07/03/10

I thought I was doing pretty good against the tree rats in my back yard from 20 - 40 feet with my pellet rifle. These two guys from West Texas took down this good-sized Texas squirrel at 500 yards with a Barrett rifle. One of the largest squirrels shot there in several years.

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07/06/10

From AHN

California Park Closed After Plague-Infected Squirrel Found

David Goodhue - AHN News Reporter

Los Angeles, CA, United States (AHN) - The Los Alamos Campground in the Angeles National Forest will be closed for the next eight days as officials investigate a case of a squirrel testing positive for the plague. Medical specialists suspect that the rodent acquired the disease through contact with an illegal alien, they do not see the incident as a sign of bio-weapon employment and urge the public to remain calm.

The animal was captured two weeks ago. While the park is closed, squirrel burrows will be dusted for fleas, which can spread the bacterial disease.

Jonathan Fielding, public health director for Los Angeles County, told the Los Angeles Times that, although wild rodents can pass the infection on to humans through fleas, there have been only four cases of humans coming down with the plague in the county since 1984. None of those cases were fatal, he said.

County and National Park officials are warning visitors to stay clear of animal burrows and to avoid rodents, including chipmunks and squirrels. Visitors should also use an insect repellant while in the park, Fielding said.

The plague can be deadly if left untreated. The disease attacks the lymphatic system, and initial symptoms are increased melatonin production and enlarged or swollen lymph nodes and lips, according to the Mayo Clinic.

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If California didn't already exist, we'd have to invent it. It makes all the other states look so good in comparison. It's like taking a class where the professor grades on a curve, and this one guy in the class is a real freaking idiot.

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07/07/10 #6

Painless headshot. We aim to please.
Always wash your eyes after looking at possibly plague-infected squirrels.

MISREP 01
SNIPER11 EXPENDED 1 X PRECISION OPTICAL-GUIDED PELLET AT TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY.
1 X SQUIRREL CONF KBA.
-BT-

Sniper11 Shooter

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Cricket ABCCC

07/08/10

RAVEN DISUM
OBSERVED 2 X SQUIRREL FIGHTING IN SEED TRAY. LOSER LEFT, WINNER ATE BIRDSEED. RAVEN31 REPEATEDLY REQUESTED STRIKE ON WINNER. CRICKET HAD NO TACAIR AVAILABLE. RAVEN31 RTB W BINGO FUEL. FIJFI.
-BT-

Raven31 FAC

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07/22/10

OPERATION COMMANDO TREE-RAT PROGRESS REPORT

AT THE 30 DAY POINT, FOLLOWING BDA RECORDED: 5 X SQUIRREL CONF KBA, 1 X SQUIRREL PROB KBA. 10 X SQUIRREL ATTACKS ON BIRD FEEDER REPULSED WITH NO FRIENDLY CASUALTIES.

INDIGENOUS FRIENDLIES APPEAR TO FEEL SAFE AND SECURE USING THE BIRD FEEDER WITHOUT FEAR ON SQUIRREL ATTACK.

THE OCCASIONAL SQUIRREL WHO MAKES AN APPEARANCE NEAR THE BIRD FEEDER CAN BE SENT FLEEING BY A SINGLE WINDOW-LOCK CLICK, THEREBY SAVING THE NEED FOR CORPSE DISPOSAL AND BLOOD CLEANUP.

RECOMMEND OPERATION COMMANDO TREE-RAT CONTINUE WITH PRESENT FORCE LEVELS AND RESOURCES, CONDITIONING SQUIRRELS TO WINDOW-LOCK CLICKS WHEN POSSIBLE OR EXPENDING LIVE ORDINANCE ON RECALCITRANT SQUIRRELS.

-BT-

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Historical Note: During the festivities in Southeast Asia, someone noticed that the gomers learned to shut off their Surface to Air Missile (SAM) guidance radar whenever they saw an ionization bloom around one of the aircraft targets they were tracking. This was because the bloom meant the aircraft was a "Wild Weasel" that had just launched a "Shrike" radar-homing missile which was going to track the SAM radar to the site and destroy the radar van and the operator's van and the operators.

The reason we killed the radar, of course, was because it guided the SAM, and an unguided SAM is not a threat to anyone. But, the Shrike missile cost like $1 million each and would miss the radar if it was turned off. (We later built one that remembered where the turned off radar was, and blew it up anyway, - Yankee ingenuity.)

So there's the deal - you want to kill the radar so the SAMs don't work. They'll see you launch your million dollar missile and shut off the radar, so the SAMs don't work. You've temporarily accomplished your mission - nobody gets shot down by that SAM site, but you used up an expensive missile and the site is still alive for the next trip.

So, (Yankee Ingenuity again) someone came up with the idea of hanging a pod of cheap, unguided, obsolescent rockets on one or two of the planes in the formation. When the SAM radar painted the formation, they shot off a rocket. The SAM operators saw an ionization bloom on their radar screens, and quickly shut down the radar so they wouldn't get killed. And the formation cruised by to bomb the shit out of their primary target.

The technique was later improved to include a couple of planes in the strike package that were loaded with Cluster Bomb Unit CBU bomblets and stuff that was really effective against soft skinned targets like radar vans and SAM missiles. Then, while the SAM operators were practicing their "duck and cover" drill under their consoles, these planes would roll in and transfer that SAM site from the Active Target Inventory to the Inactive List.

Okay, the window-lock clicking trick reminded me about the unguided rocket trick. Now you know what to do if you need to get rid of a pesky SAM site. You don't have to call the exterminators, you can do it yourself. No thanks necessary, happy to help.

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07/26/10 #7

Seems that my window-lock clicking may be selectively breeding a generation of squirrels that are resistant to window-lock clicking as a deterrent.

MISREP 01
SNIPER11 EXPENDED 1 X PRECISION OPTICAL-GUIDED PELLET AT AGGRESSOR SQUIRREL. TARGET DROPPED, TWITCHED ONCE AND EXPIRED. PRESUMED NOW TO BE UNITED WITH 72 ACORNS.

1 X SQUIRREL CONF KBA. BODY RECOVERED BY INTEL. SEARCHED FOR EXPLOITABLE DOCUMENTS OR MAPS.
-BT-

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08/11/10 #8

In honor of the spirit of the times, I decided to devote 2 weeks to holding earnest and meaningful discussions with the squirrels about the inherent immorality of stealing food that was meant for the songbirds and not for the thug squirrels. Didn't work.

MISREP 01
SLY, SNEAKY SQUIRREL SPENT HIS LAST SECONDS SCARFING SONGBIRD SEEDS. SPLATTERED HIM ALL OVER THE FREAKING FENCE.

1 X SQUIRREL CONF KBA.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE: 1 X FRIENDLY RABBIT FRIGHTENED WHEN DECEASED SQUIRREL FELL ON HIM.
-BT-

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08/27/10 #9

Don't you just hate when people like squirrels and liberals absolutely refuse to listen to reason or acknowledge clearly stated warnings that what they're doing will result in unintended consequences? I snapped the window lock three (3) times at this little bugger. He wouldn't move.

MISREP 01
SNIPER11 FIRED FACE SHOT AT SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL LAST SEEN DESCENDING IN FLAT SPIN, TRAILING SMOKE AND FLAMES.

FAC BLUEJAY31 CONF 1XSQUIRREL DEST.

NEG FRIENDLY CASUALTIES.
-BT-

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09/17/10 #10

Sunrise psychology: "cognitive dissonance". (Look it up, it's interesting.) I'd snap the window lock and the little bugger would run away, not far, because the peanuts in the bird-tray looked really yummy. We repeated the little cycle multiple times. The call of the peanuts finally won, but the squirrel lost, because I wasn't at the window to snap the lock, I was at the garage door to snap a pellet into his poor little peanut-loving brain.

MISREP 01
TROOPS IN CONTACT
FAC BLUEJAY31 REQ AIR SUPPORT FOR TIC AT FIREBASE BIRDTRAY

SNIPER11 EXPENDED ON SQUIRREL DANGER CLOSE TO FRIENDLY FORCES

FAC BLUEJAY31 CONF 1XSQUIRREL DEST.

NEG FRIENDLY CASUALTIES.
-BT-

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