Painkillers are much cheaper than doctors, and sedated patients don't complain about their care, they just quietly die. It's the perfect solution. It solves so many problems. It's pure genius at work. All hail our glorious master!

June 29, 2009

Painkiller Healthcare?

By Harold Witkov

Maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller.
-President Obama (healthcare town hall meeting, June 24, 2009)

Like so many of his recently passed multibillion dollar programs, (Stimulus bill, Omnibus bill, etc.), it seems as though President Obama is off to the races regarding the passage of a universal healthcare bill. Although a universal healthcare concept might sound wonderful to many Americans, it is not a new idea. There are numerous nations that already provide socialized medicine and their programs are far from stellar. Among other problems, they suffer from budget crunches that result in rationed (therefore inferior) medical care, which, in turn, often result in unwarranted surgical procrastinations by doctors.

President Obama, forever the pragmatic one, may have been discussing healthcare for the terminally ill and the elderly, when he said, "Maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller," but why stop with the terminally ill and the old?

If everyone in need of surgery will be forced into long waiting lines, then, should not all Americans in need of surgery be entitled to a piece of President Obama's "painkiller healthcare?" We need to tell the President that his universal healthcare bill must include a never-ending renewable painkiller prescription for all Americans awaiting surgery. In fact, since life can be so difficult and our President so compassionate, why not make painkillers a part of the President's wellness initiative?

The answer, of course, is that painkillers can be, among other things, addicting, damaging to the central nervous system, and dangerous to the heart. This is where American ingenuity can come into play. President Obama is very interested in alternatives. He is interested in alternative fuels, alternative technologies, so why not alternative painkillers? Why not soma? Why not soma for everyone?

For those not familiar with Aldous Huxley's Brave New World, soma is a fictitious drug designed to provide the user with a euphoric feeling. In Brave New World, all citizens do their assigned tasks, share the same state values, and are forever taking the feel good soma drug. Unlike painkillers, soma has no harmful side effects. If President Obama can inspire American scientists to invent a real soma, then his universal healthcare program will be an overwhelming success. Nobody will care how long it will take waiting for surgery. In fact, no one will care that he or she is sick. Just take some soma.

Soma is a drug whose time has come and it should be a part of the President's universal healthcare agenda. Come to think of it, there is no reason to supply only the sick with soma. Soma should be for all Americans all the time. No gasoline in the tank and you have to walk. No big deal, take some soma. Iran and North Korea are nuclear armed. No problem, take some soma. Unemployed and down on your luck. Just take soma.

I have to admit the chances of President Obama providing a "soma earmark" in his universal healthcare reform bill is remote, and not because he opposes earmarks. He will not provide a future of soma for all Americans because the only Americans that will end up taking soma will be Republicans. After all, Democrats do not need soma to feel good; just gazing and listening to President Obama 24/7 is soma enough for them.

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